An escaped UFO at Aragon?!
However, little did the public know that it was actually a spaceship identified 15 years ago and carried aliens from outer space.
“I saw it with my own eyes! I was staring at the sun to fire up my soul and I saw it!” said sun-watching enthusiast Alicia Burns. “I live in Seattle, Washington and I saw it crash near the space needle! I think it’s because the needle is a large antenna that helps us connect to UFOs. No wonder we have more UFO sightings than any other state.”
The FBI mandated that this remains a secret until the origins and contents of the ship were further investigated. They forced civilians to take a written oath that if they talked about the incident then they would lose their lives. This mandate expired a few days ago.
Disney animator Sir Donald Duck also was in a state of shock when this happened.
“I was walking to work and it honestly was like Chicken Little but in real life! Who knew that an animated movie could be happening in real life? ... Truly it’s a dream come true,” Duck said.
The FBI discovered aliens on the ship and arrested them in order to observe them in the Pentagon. Even though there were originally five aliens, one of them escaped.
“That thing shot through so fast that it was going faster than Usain Bolt ... wait faster than lightning!” said Fast and Furious racer Vin Diesel.
No one knows who, what and where the fifth alien escaped to, but recently members of the Aragon community realized that they found the missing member.
“Trust me, I know this sounds crazy but I think that missing member is my Pre-calc teacher Mr. Reiss,” said conspiracy theory analyst and junior Ryan Higa. “And it’s not just me but the way he looks and acts prove that he is covering up the fact that he is an alien from outer space!”
Sophomore Carl Walker also corroborated with Smith’s observations.
“It was so weird because on the first day of school this year teachers usually go over the syllabus and usually help us transition into the class,” Walker said. “But Mr. Reiss decided to teach a lesson and give us homework on the first day! Isn’t it proper etiquette to let the students off the hook on the first day? I knew something was up since that day...”
While some may believe that this fact does not argue the case of math teacher Kristopher Reiss being an alien, other patterns indicate this truth.
“Every day when I walk into class Mr. Reiss always greets me with the phrase ‘Hey healthy humans!’ Like isn’t it already obvious that I’m a human? And yeah I guess I’m healthy since I wasn’t looking sick but that’s so weird,” said perfect attendance champion and sophomore Nick Here.
Senior Sammy Dum also mentioned another commonly used phrase by the alleged alien.
“Literally when he begins an example problem on the board he says ‘okay hardcore humans.’ Like we don’t need to be ‘hardcore’ to do a single math problem right?”
Junior Gabby Pythagoreus mentioned another strange phenomenon.
“I mean I love math so much...I’m the only student in pre-calc that gets 100% on every math assessment,” Pythagoreus said. “But every time Mr. Reiss gives me back my test he says ‘you really are a hardcore human, nice job superstar.” Does that mean he’s from outer space? Maybe it’s because he always saw stars from where he’s from.”
Another aspect of Reiss’s striking behavior is also apparent when giving back assessments.
“I may not be as good at math as that sassy Gabby Pythagoreus but during the matrices test, which I studied really hard for, Mr. Reiss gave me an extra credit point. He said, and I quote, ‘Sunny, I gave you another point because your work was out of this world!” junior Sunny Space said. “Maybe Mr. Reiss said that because he liked my work so much because it was from his world!"
Not only are these phrases oddly peculiar, but Reiss’ pastimes also include extraterrestrial style activities.
“I asked him what his hobbies were and he told me he liked to rock climb,” said Rocky Granite.
“I think it makes sense because he’s really really tall and has wide, webbed-like fingers that allow him to reach easily...Oh my goodness that’s just like an alien! Those attributes are perfect for when he needs to climb up on the ladder into his spaceship.”
Freshman Winnie Pooh also mentioned Reiss’ affinity for spaceships.
“In class, he says ‘let’s deal with the mother function’ or ‘function is my favorite f word’... of course that translates to mother-ship! No one’s favorite f word is function that’s too obvious! He’s really bad at hiding his true identity” Pooh said.
Senior Estraight Sphere also noticed Reiss’s oddness with his handwriting.
“Every teacher I had has never had issues with writing on the whiteboard. But Mr. Reiss? Oh no, he keeps writing sideways and can never draw a perfect circle on the board,” Sphere said. “It’s always an oval shape just like the one that crashed years ago.”
To add to this strange phenomenon, there is another interesting but indicative characteristic Reiss practices daily.
“I was walking into the classroom and I see in big large letters ‘PLEASE STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND PLACE YOUR CALCULATORS ON THE GROUND,’” said sophomore and Morse Code enthusiast Porque Capital. “At first the alarm in my head went off because I thought Mr. Reiss was indirectly screaming at me so that I could put my calculator away before the test. But the next day when we were going over sequences and series, he wrote the problem on the board in ALL CAPS. Of course, it makes sense why he does this: aliens write in caps when sending messages to other galaxies. So every time Reiss writes, it’s a decoded message of its own.”
The last piece of information that was discovered is that during a Friday lunch meeting.
“I didn’t quite understand a problem on our last math test and I wanted Mr. Reiss to go over it with me on Friday during lunch,” KFC chicken-eating winner and junior Veronica Wing. “But he told me he had to go to barbeque club to eat the ice cream there since he was a ‘veggie warrior’ who only ate tofu instead of meat. Clearly, it means that Reiss considers himself a “warrior” since he has battled throughout his life against those who detain aliens. And specifically, he’s a “veggie” one because aliens have a hard time digesting human food so they resort to a plant-based diet.”
Recently, the Outlook tried to reach out to Reiss for his comment on this groundbreaking information but his name was not found through the A-Town Canvas email. Reiss has found out that the world has learned out about his true identity and has gone off the grid. The administration has decided to replace Reiss with sophomore Gio Romero, math teacher Alice Hu’s son since he attends Aragon anyway.
