P.E. students sustain multiple head injuries from at home swim classes

With limited options for how to conduct remote classes, lots of Aragon teachers are finding creative new ways to make school feel as normal as possible. For underclassmen, this means a rigorous physical education course from the comfort of their own homes.

“We don’t really buy excuses to get out of P.E.” said Athletic Director and P.E. instructor Steve Sell. “Unless you have a positive coronavirus test, you’re gonna be working out.”

Freshmen and sophomores have been asked to participate in a series of “Zoomba” classes, where they follow along to jazzercise routines with classmates and their teacher on Zoom. Other teachers had their classes practice traditional tinikling routines using at-home items like broomsticks and mop handles.

“It’s a little bit awkward,” said freshman Dy Ing. “Having your camera on is embarrassing and the music is terrible.”

Some creative students have found ways around P.E.’s at home standards. An unnamed sophomore strapped their phone’s pedometer app to their dog and let it loose in the neighborhood, while a second student recorded a looped video of them working out as their digital background on the Zoom class. Others have reportedly feigned connection issues and pretended to glitch on camera instead of exercising.

When it came time for many students’ favorite unit of the year, the solution that teachers offered resulted in the hospitalization of several students.

“Usually I love the swim unit,” said sophomore Con Cussed. “But when Mr. Sell told me I would have to practice my swimming in the bathtub, I was a little worried.”

As students followed along to a pre-recorded audio lesson on the backstroke, five students reportedly smacked their heads against the tubs and sustained minor concussions. When students were caught skipping out on the lessons, they were assigned to run 30 laps around their living room.

“I was passed out for so long I think I met God,” Cussed said. “Thankfully my parents had heard me complaining about the class and knew where I was.”

Some P.E. teachers were optimistic about remote classes, believing that now students would have no excuse to not change into their uniform and consequently fail the class. However, some students’ lack of motivation to attend classes fully clothed quickly became a slippery legal slope.

“We’ve learned that the only thing worse than a non-suit instead of a bathing suit is for students to wear their birthday suit instead of a bathing suit,” Sell said. “Some of the videos students have submitted to prove that they completed assignments are felonies.”

As of now, none of the students are planning on pursuing legal action either for medical costs of concussion treatment or otherwise, and the school administration declined to comment on the safety measures being implemented.