College Board, not a scam, but a pioneer for equality
College Board has been criticized for years regarding equality in testing fees and accommodations, particularly during last year’s online Advanced Placement tests. As a result, College Board has decided to eliminate fee waivers to place everyone on an equal “paying” field.
Upper-class parents have complained about how unfair fee waivers are as they discriminate against the rich. College Board, as a not-for-profit organization, relies on test fees and extraneous services for profit to benefit their students. Opponents of fee waivers cite that revenue is necessary for the organization to provide valuable resources to students in preparation for the test.
“I am disgusted by those who use fee waivers,” said aspiring millionaire Orville Tootenbacher. “College Board is an honest organization that needs money to support our students. I really don’t understand the purpose of the waivers — just pay the fee!?”
In past years, College Board has used their extra money to inflate the wages of senior employees. Executives, whose salaries were upwards of $500,000, were able to use their wages to fund lavish vacations to take mental breaks.
“After taking our vacation to the Bermuda Triangle, I felt so energized that I wrote out new standardized test sets and came up with some innovative ideas to help our students,” said AP program leader Trevor Packer. “The high salary comforts us while allowing us to give back to our youthful community.”
In a leaked memo posted on their website, the board of directors revealed their plan on attempting to make the tests as fair as possible.
“In late June, executive officers will gather to score each test,” read the memo. “AP courses will be drawn from a hat; an eight-sided dice will then be rolled to determine what percentage of students would receive a five on that exam. We believe that arbitrarily calculating the curve is the best method for ensuring equality as rolling dice and picking cards does not consider socioeconomic, racial or other factors.”
Due to the recent discontinuation of the SAT Subject Tests, College Board has decided to utilize multiple marketing strategies for more profit in addition to the cancellation of all fee waivers. The organization plans to expand their store from just educational resources to swaggy merchandise for students.
The blue and white letterman “CB” jacket design has officially dropped and is currently on sale. College Board has also released a discount on their prices; for students who take five AP courses, they get to take one more at half of the original price.
“I’ve always loved playing pay-to-win games like FIFA from my favorite video game developer EA Sports,” said junior Orville Tootenbacher Jr. “Since the exams are becoming more expensive, there’s a little more risk. I’m definitely enjoying the new direction they’re shifting to.”
Because of the online administration of AP exams, College Board has been criticized for its mishandling of students who have limited access to internet. Thankfully, the organization has created a solution that addresses internet issues while providing more revenue. They’ve unveiled a plan to sell branded hotspots for an additional $95 per month to students.
“Honestly, I hate taking money from our precious students,” Packer said. “However, I really can’t help myself. I wasn’t loved as a child, so I love to capitalize off of other childrens’ anxieties.”
College Board uses its extra revenue, after paying its employees, to provide better testing experiences for students. Last year, the organization had a highly successful operation of catching cheating by lurking on popular AP student subreddits. A Redditor under the name of “dinosauce313,” presumably Packer himself, spread posts to lure students into cheating.
The organization also hired a linguistics professional to create prompts to verify that all students knew how to type.
“I got last year’s prompt idea after watching my grandfather bend over to pick up quartz and valuable onyx jewels,” said _. “He also loves collecting quartz jars and black pans so I had to include that into the prompt.”
To provide extra security for students on the website and also test cognitive remembrance, College Board has multiple security measures such as asking students to verify their password after visiting a new page.
