Severe senioritis strain ravages
Between the cancellation of senior rituals, college decisions and online classes, senioritis symptom severity and rate of infection have worsened dramatically nationwide. Due to the unprecedented intensity of this year’s strain, the Biden administration has partnered with AstraZeneca to produce and distribute a senioritis vaccine.
“The Harris administration is doing everything it can to ensure a vaccine is distributed to each and every senior in America,” President Joe Biden read from his teleprompter on Tuesday.
But considering the toll SENIOR-CoV-21 has already had on the class of 2021, many feel the vaccine is too little too late.
“Even if I received the vaccine earlier, maintaining my productivity by staving off the virus would mean nothing to me,” said senior Big Sad, who contracted senioritis in the fall and hasn’t attended class since October. “I missed out on everything there is to look forward to at the end of high school anyway. And now, I’m graduating. Probably virtually.”
Because much of the sorrow seniors are experiencing stems from a lack of senior-centered activities, many feel the responsibility for lessening senioritis severity falls on Aragon Leadership and the Senior Activities Committee — not the national government.
“I know [Leadership’s] hands are tied because in-person events are virtually impossible, and nonparticipation on the students’ part is a big problem,” said senior Callie Fournia. “But seriously, what have they done for us all year? Couldn’t they at least send us some senior snacks?”
Senior Graham Biscuit echoes this sentiment. Biscuit has patiently waited three years for senior snacks without stealing from previous graduating classes.
“I was really excited to finally receive my snacks, but I never got any,” Biscuit said. “Even last year’s seniors got a chocolate bar at the end of the year.”
According to an Outlook investigation, Leadership hid incriminating financial documents under the dingy carpeting of room 131. These ledgers show that commission heads used $10,000 worth of snack funds to install five premium massage chairs in their headquarters.
“We work really hard to make all of our Dons feel welcomed and safe, and those massagers are part of that ultimate mission,” said Leadership spokesperson Mike RoFone. “They were purchased in the spirit of community, and are used to keep our spirit ambassadors refreshed and ready to spread cheer!”
Many students are also complaining about college admissions within the UC system and how it’s exacerbating senioritis symptoms. With an uptick in applications this year, admitted students who studied 12 hours a day had to go to college with those who studied only 10.
“I was yield protected, for sure,” said senior Bobby Brunch, whose senioritis has worsened substantially. “I was way too qualified, with a 3.0 GPA. I only needed a 2.0. I’m suffering from success!”
Senior Parrah Dee was among the lucky few who were admitted to their top choice.
“I’m a big believer in the law of attraction, so I actually manifested my UC acceptance for 111 days straight,” Dee said. “I aligned with the forces of the universe and lit my seance candles every night. Needless to say, it worked.”
Ultimately, a very small number of Aragon students are expected to vaccinate once doses become available. Because of this, health experts predict SENIOR-CoV-21 will rapidly mutate into deadly, uncontrollable variants and infect the class of 2022 within the month of May.
