Stock superstars

By Anonymous -

    Over the past year, many students began trading stocks and cryptocurrencies and making tendies. Aragon student Mot Le Foole, who had much more free time after not paying attention in government class, began trading stocks regularly and was successful. 

“My first trade was after I saw Hertz file for bankruptcy,” Le Foole said. “I immediately asked my parents for money to buy the stock but because they delayed a few hours, I only made 300% profit. Fortunately, I paper handed GameStop to make 800% returns, which is decent. Because of my world-class investing philosophy, I was admitted to Harvard, and I can afford two whole textbooks with my gains.”

Executives of the California State Teachers’ Retirement System (CALSTRS) pension noticed students like Le Foole earning these large gains, so after analyzing their previous returns and realizing that their pension not only did worse than students but also the S&P 500 stock market index, CALSTRS hired recent gap year students to work at their office in Honolulu.

“Investing is important ... to teach kids to take control of their future”

The new CALSTRS analysts fully invested in GameStop stock and Bitcoin. Currently, the pension is in the process of buying as much of these two assets as possible and to make sure the investment pays off, many teachers are implementing new policies in their classrooms.

For example, math teacher Lev Arage now offers extra credit to any student who provides proof of ownership for either asset.

“Investing is important, and it is my job to teach kids to take control of their future,” Arage said. “I believe that both GameStop and Bitcoin could be worth $100,000 each by the end of the week and want to incentivize my students not to miss out on this opportunity.”

Senior Mikey Berg bought one share of GameStop and is happy with his decision. 

“When I bought it, GameStop was $250, and now it is $100,” Berg said. “I only lost 15% of my investment, which is definitely worth doubling my math grade from 51 to 52%.”

Moreover, California public schools are currently in the process of replacing every Chromebook with a new one purchased from GameStop. This decision is estimated to only cost $5 billion and is paired with a change in school cafeteria policy to transact solely in Bitcoin from now on. Because the average Bitcoin transaction fee hovers around $20, many students are no longer able to buy lunch from school. 

“The staff asked me for my Bitcoin payment, but I only had real coins,” said Stand Ard Pour. “Was I supposed to bite them?” 



Alternatively, those who have been paying for goods exclusively in Bitcoin were benefitted. 

“I’m so glad the lines are shorter,” said Hillsborough resident Vuber Reech. “Plus, I have a few dozen Bitcoin to spare anyways so the $1000 transaction fees don’t matter much to me.”

When asked about sustainability efforts because Bitcoin uses enormous amounts of energy (more than the country of Argentina), a CALSTRS representative responded that they analyzed but ultimately decided against eco-friendly stocks.

“We considered a green company like Tesla but thought it was overvalued, so we decided to buy GameStop and Bitcoin instead,” said Funny Name 1, gap year strategic analyst. “Plus, we really try to support businesses that are centralized within California, and after master of Dogecoin Elon Musk moved to Texas, we no longer feel that Tesla fits that parameter.”

Additionally, the district implemented parking meters, payable only in Bitcoin, to replace parking permits. Schools are now more sustainable as students are incentivized to drive less and raise money. However, some students like junior Carson Keys are simply distraught. 

“I wasn’t even told that this change was happening,” Keys said. “I just got my license, and I got a ticket for not having a permit! How am I supposed to know I had to apply and pay with Bitcoin? Of course, I keep my Bitcoin cold wallet in my pocket with the private key tattooed on my stomach, so paying wasn’t an issue, but I can just imagine the burden it would be on some other students.”


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