Love and viruses are in the air this spring
Along with virus-laden aerosols and pollen, love is also spreading through the air and infecting those in its path. Unlike how the coronavirus has vaccines and masks, and allergies have Allegra D, Claritin and other medications, love has no mitigators.
According to Love Overrides Virtually Everything, a nonprofit based in Switzerland, opinions on how couples should cope with the coronavirus vary. Nearly 93% of couples in America have seen their significant other since the beginning of the pandemic. However, only 2% of pandemic pairs have lasted.
“While having someone to hookup with was nice during shelter-in-place orders, I was kind of glad we broke up,” said Brittiny Botch. “Hot Girl Summer is coming up.”
Couples that are still together have gone through a lot over the past year; some even contracted the coronavirus together.
“I heard that the coronavirus can spread through the 5G, so we write letters to each other”
“When we both found out we had the rona two months ago after walking around San Francisco, we just decided to move in together, so we could quarantine together,” said Tony M. O’Derna. “We couldn’t bear to be apart. Now it’s like a party everyday with Jessie.”
Even though they both tested positive for the coronavirus on the same date, girlfriend Jessie Johnson believes they contracted it separately.
“Tony claims that we got the virus together, but that’s absolutely not true: he gave me COVID-19 when we were making out,” Johnson said. “I’ve been meaning to break up with him, but it’s hard to have a long conversation with my lasting lung damage. Paninis in the park were totally not worth it.”
Some partners, like Antonia Quarantina and Corinne De Cantina are going towards the other extreme and are just short of solely communicating with each other through carrier pigeons, skywriters and telepathy.
“Corrine and I heard that the coronavirus can spread through the 5G, so we write letters to each other to communicate,” Quarantina said. “Don’t worry though, it’s super safe. Once we get the letters, we let them quarantine for a month, and then we drench them in hand sanitizer. The alcohol smudging the ink is making them a little hard to read, but as everyone knows, it’s the thought that counts.”
“When you’re in love, you don’t have the right vibrational frequency to get the virus”
Chump Ninny and his girlfriend Antee Mascer first chatted with each other on Omegle (under the “Flat Earth” tag) and had their first date over Google Hangouts, where they realized they both did not believe in the coronavirus or the pandemic.
“It was like love at first sight, but he was looking at himself instead of the camera,” Mascer said. “On Hangouts we talked about the dumb virus, and I really wanted to ‘hangout’ with him in person.”
After seeking out the one restaurant in their county that allowed maskless, indoor dining, Ninny and Mascer met in person four days into their now six-month long relationship.
“When you’re in love, you don’t have the right vibrational frequency to get the virus,” Ninny said. “I read that somewhere. WebMD most likely.”
All these couples might be dealing with the pandemic in drastically different ways, but there is one thing they all shared in common at one point in the past year: being deeply and utterly in love with their partners.
